One For The Guys: Advice on Chicks!

First: Don’t call them chicks. They hate that. (Unless you’re in Australia, in which case I guess it’s cool).

Now, you might be saying to yourself, “Self, how can a guy who lives alone, with a divorce under his belt be qualified to lecture ME about how to deal with ch…er, women?!”

Who better to talk about the dangers of drinking than a recovering alcoholic, right?

(Hmmm…miiiight not be the best comparison.)

Actually, the thing is, the best way I can think of to give you advice on how to deal with women…is to give you advice on how to deal with yourself.

We live in a time of crisis. An identity crisis. Women are bombarded with messages about how they should act, who they should be, what they should look like, what values they should hold. Radical feminists set one standard, old-school fundamentalists set another. It can be confusing, frustrating, and downright demoralizing. Women are criticized by the Frothing Fems for staying at home with the kids because it denies them their right to spend 60 hours a week fighting their way up the corporate ladder only to suffer a heart attack at age 53 like us dudes. Or they are criticized by The Traditionalists if they forego starting a family in favor getting that PHD because, I dunno, reasons.

So, guys, I ask…do they really need to be getting the same thing from you?

God made women as women, and men as men. Guys..,women are not a mistake. Ladies…men are not a mistake. They are not this crazy broken thing that you have to fix.  We are two parts of a whole. Two pieces of a mechanism designed to work together. And — IMPORTANT NOTE (write this one down):

WE  ARE   DIFFERENT.  Let me let that sink in a bit.  Kind of ground-breaking stuff here, I know.

We are both engineered to perform exactly the way we do. The man piece and the woman piece fit together because we are designed to.  Not just sexually, but emotionally. Spiritually.  So here’s where I get into the “advice to guys” part.

Okay guys, so…..wait…turn off the game. (You. Over there. Yes you. The boss fight will wait. Yes, yes, I know, you were in the queue for this dungeon for, like, 20 minutes. Trust me. This is more important. Besides, the drop-rate is terrible on that guy. Just buy it on the auction house instead).

Anyway. Now, for the “Advice on Chicks Women.”

They love you. They really do. But there’s one problem. You don’t think like a chick. And that just blows their mind. And you reeeeally need to understand that. Women expect you to think like they do, and when you don’t, when you don’t act or react the way you are “supposed to,” it sets off ALL sorts of alarm bells. Why? Because if one of her girlfriends responded like you just did, Something Would Be Wrong©.

See, here’s the deal. And I know this can hurt like hitting your thumb with a hammer, but…(wait for it)…you have to really listen. I don’t mean listen like guys do. Guys, we talk, we communicate to transmit information and accomplish goals. And then we’re done.  We deal in goals and deliverables. We deal in quantifiables. Tangibles. The ladies…they deal in perceptions, and connections, and shared emotions. Intangibles. The squishy stuff. And it takes a loooong time to communicate that way compared to what guys are really prepared to deal with.

And that’s where we get into trouble.  Guys, seriously, let’s be honest. We don’t multi-task. We really don’t. They do. They can have the TV on in the background, be on the phone with one friend while IM’ing another, keeping track of two kids while planning dinner…and scrapbooking all at the same time. You and me? If the TV is on? Forget it. We’re done communicating with the outside world.

This can, to put it mildly, cause some problems in the area of communication. So here’s the deal. When your wife, your girlfriend, your daughter, your sister, your mom, any woman of any significance in your life wants to talk to you, to really communicate with you…STOP. WHAT. YOU. ARE. DOING. Just…stop.

And listen.

When I say listen, I mean it. Not, endure it. Not, huff and squirm and ostentatiously check your watch. Why? Because that is communication to a woman! When you do that kind of stuff, you are communicating to her that just about anything else in the world is more important to you at that moment than listening to what she has to say.

And, damn, but that has to hurt. She wants for you to want to connect with her…like her girlfriends would.  She wants for you to listen, and empathize, and not try to fix, but just nod, and touch her hand, and just plain BE INTERESTED. And when you don’t, when you are impatient, or imperious, or dismissive, YOU ARE REJECTING HER. And it will hurt her. And she will react and respond out of that hurt.

And you will be left wondering what the heck just happened?!? And why am I suddenly sleeping on the couch?

Because you weren’t really paying attention.  It’s as simple as that, guys. The women in your life want to know that they are important to you. And you communicate that importance and that value to them when you choose them over everything else.  When they see you turn off the TV, put away the book, step back from the computer and really listen, THAT’S where the connection happens. The one they really want from you more than anyone else.

It’s not hard….but it’s not easy. Not for us. But guys, man, it is so worth it. So they next time she starts to talk, to tell you about her day, when she confides in you her struggles and doubts and starts pouring out that technicolor description of everything that made up her day…just stop….and just listen.  And talk. And nod, and smile and laugh and frown.

But mostly…just listen.