One For The Ladies: Advice on Dudes!

FIRST: Don’t call them “dudes.” They hate…wait, no they don’t. “Dude” is totally cool. So is “Man.” And “chucklehead.” Guys really don’t care all that much. We call each other really creative, disgusting, and generally quite endearing terms like, “Spud,” “Buttface,” and “Goober” all the time. So call us whatever you want.

Oorrrrr…maybe not. So, hold up. Let’s back things up a bit. I maayyy be a little off base on this one. And here’s why.

Ladies, what you think, and what you say…(hold on…write this one down)…really does matter to him.  How you see him, what he sees reflected in your eyes when you look at him has a powerful impact.  You have a level of power and influence over the heart of your big, strong man that defies all reason.  If a man has given his heart to you, he has shown a level of vulnerability and trust to you that he has very likely shown no other human being on this planet. And that’s something you reaaaally need to think about.

It’s a lot of responsibility. Wait…what?! That’s right. Your husband, your father, even your son has made a choice, taken a step to entrust to you his most valuable and guarded possession: his heart.

And For The Record: men do not do this easily. They do not do it lightly. They do not do it for just anyone. Why?  Because it is dangerous for us. That’s right.  Dangerous.  And it’s a scary thing.

Ladies, you are emotional creatures. By God’s wonderful design you see things and feel things and intuit things that leave a man scratching his head in wonder.  You’ve done it your whole life.  You’ve dealt with the highs and the lows and the aches and the joys of life with an openness and readiness and simple awareness that in most cases just isn’t part of the experience of the average dude out there. Not to say that he can’t see these things, can’t experience them the way you do, but it doesn’t have the same sense of something-come-naturally that it does to you. So, here’s the thing…

Guys don’t operate in the realm of the emotional on a day-to-day basis like you do.  This does not make them broken, this does not make them defective…it makes them “men.”

This does NOT, however, mean that men don’t actually feel these things. But if you hear nothing else, if you retain nothing else I say here, hear this: Men simply do not allow themselves to reveal that aspect of who and what they are to the world because…IT  IS  NOT SAFE for them to do so!

We live in a world that will chew you up and spit you out sometimes. Men are shown how to achieve, how to build. It is our nature. We are drawn to it.  We want to climb it, to build it, to shape it and mold it and exert dominion over it. It’s how we are wired.

And it comes with a cost. Most men are not cruel. Most men are not evil. But most men live in a world that requires a kind of strength and drive and self-possession that has little room for softness, for indecision, for anything that doesn’t involve moving on to the next task to complete, the next obstacle to overcome. And, sometimes, it just really sucks.

But here’s the caveat: we are men…but we are also still God’s creations. We are still emotional beings with every aspect of who and what God is written into our very DNA.  We still need to feel it. We still need to experience it, to share it, and to confide in someone those struggles that we face every. single. day, but can’t allow ourselves to show to anyone else.

To anyone else, except…for you.

You are our refuge. You are the place to which we retreat from a world that demands so much of us that it takes every ounce of what we have to face it all. And when we run out of gas, when we’ve given it all and have nothing left…we come home to you.

So..the question then becomes….what do we come home…to?

Is it a safe place? Is it a place that says, lay down your armor, lay down your sword, for a while the battle is over, and you have come home to a place of comfort and of refuge?

Or…is it something else?

Ladies, I tell you this with the utmost confidence, and with the utmost sincerity, and with all the fervent prayer I can muster, that your man, your husband, your father, your brother, whoever he is, he will move heaven and earth for you…if you give him a safe place to come home to afterwards.

Men are simple creatures. We really aren’t that complex. We want such simple things.

We want your respect. We want your admiration. We want your trust. And more than anything else…we want to know that what we do for you matters.  Even if we do it wrong.

Whaaaaat?!Wait..WHAAAAT?!?! Yes. You heard me. Even if we did it wrong.  You sent us to the store for milk. And we got whole milk instead of skim. Should we have listened better to the instructions? Sure. (see previous post, guys). But we got you MILK!! Ha HAAA! VIC-TO-RY! (this is the part where you swoon and toss us your handkerchief).

And so now you face…The Decision®.  Your girlfriend would have known what you wanted, right? Heck, she can all but read your mind.  She would just know, and she would get it right AND remember the two other things you forgot to ask her to get as well!  Hmmph!

So do you let him have it with both barrels because he FORGOT! And how hard could it BE?! He NEVER listens and you ALWAYS have to……

See where this is going?  Now instead of lacy hankies and batted eyelashes he gets…the business end of the dragon.

So here’s the newsflash, ladies: MEN.  CAN.  NOT.  READ.  YOUR.  MIND.  No, I mean it. Stop laughing. I’m being serious here. No, this is not a joke. Guys will get you exactly what you asked for. Usually. Mostly. And that’s it. We are task oriented. We fulfill requirements. That intuition thing? Wroooong set of chromosomes.

You have to actually tell us things. Sometimes more than once. Especially if the TV is on. It’s just the way things are.  This is not a defect, though it may seem that way.  And you need to plan accordingly.

And that’s where the safety part comes in, where you make the choice to make it safe, and KEEP it safe. He has to be allowed to fail. He has to be allowed to be human. And vulnerable. And imperfect. Because if he can’t do it with you, it’s entirely possible that there’s nowhere else in the world that he can.  And that’s a tough situation for anyone to face.

Here’s another newsflash: it’s hard for men to feel vulnerable. I know, shocking, right?! It runs counter to everything we see and hear and face, every day. So we want to know that we can trust you with our heart, and that you will love us enough to let us be less than perfect.

I know it’s hard. I know that it can take everything you have to step back, take that deep breath….aaaand another deep breath, aaaand maybe even another one…and then make the choice to love him enough to let his heart be more important than your agenda. Your plan.

So you smile, you kiss him, you say thank you, and you put whole milk in the recipe and pick up the skim milk on the way home from dropping the kids off at daycare tomorrow.

Why? Because — and listen closely here — he didn’t do it on purpose. Yes, he could have done it better.  Yes, he could have listened more closely, and maybe it feels to you like he just didn’t care. But ladies, I am here to tell you, it just isn’t true.

His failure to perform the task you wanted in the manner you expected has no bearing on his love for you.

Let me say that again: His failure to perform the task you wanted in the manner you expected has no bearing on his love for you.

And so….it should have no bearing on your love for him.  Men make mistakes. Women make mistakes. But we can make a choice, every day, minute by minute, situation by situation, victory by victory, mistake by mistake…to love the person anyway.

To realize that that may very well be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do. And then to do it anyway. Again. And again. And again. Because folks, ladies, gents, when it really comes down to it, that’s what love is.

A choice.

Thoughts From My Quiet Time: Victorious Is A Verb

How often do we, as Christians, truly live as if we are victorious? Or do we too often still live in defeat? As though our decision to follow Christ were merely an event experienced along the way, something of little consequence, rather than a fundamental alternation of the very fabric of who and what we are?  To the point that it even alters the way we interact with universe itself?

We. Are. Changed.  But do we live as ones who have been been changed, and are being changed?

Do we live as though we share in the victory of Christ over sin and death? As though we are an intimate part of that victory?  Are we dancing and singing and clanging our symbols as we follow along behind our Victorious One? Or do we live more as mere observers, those who witnessed the action and cheered, but now see ourselves as separate, standing quietly off to the side as they march by? Maybe as not worthy? Maybe not like those “real” Christians over there?

Are we part of a triumphal procession…or are we content to watch and cheer from the sidelines?  Are we truly transformed…or merely affected?

“But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.” (2 Cor. 3:18)

For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith. Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God? (1 John 5:4-5)

When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written:
“Death is swallowed up in victory.”  (1 Cor. 15:54)

Challenge: Am I daily living in the victory secured for me by Christ, and is it daily transforming my life?

 

40 Days & 40 Nights

As part of my spiritual journey, one which has ebbed and flowed at various times during my life, sometimes burning with intensity, other times smouldering with barely a flicker of flame or a wisp of smoke, I have decided to commit to a 40 day fast. 

I have come to realize that I have been putting other things in my life before God.  Now I intent to LAY them before God.  After a bit of introspection, I have identified the following three things that have become stumbling blocks or dependencies in my life:

1) Caffeine.  I put waaay too much time and effort into maintaining a level of caffeination that my body can simply no longer tolerate.   I lurch from cup of coffee to soda to coffee to “get me through the day.”  It has become my stumbling block, and I’m depending on IT when I should be depending on God.  So, for the next 40 days, no caffeine.

2)  Sugar.  Processed, nasty sugar.  I have identified some ongoing health issues, probably Candida or some variant of Celiac’s Disease, and sugar is a fermenting, yeast producing nasty that my body can do without.  And since I’ve discovered that I am a “comfort eater,” I tend to put back a lot of sugary sweets during times of stress.  Which these days is most of the time.  Again, it is my crutch, my dependency, my replacement for the work of God in my life, so for the next 40 days, it goes.

3)  Blogging.  What used to be fun has devolved into pounding out negative, critical screeds replete with the very kind of huffy-puffy indignation and self-indulgent posturing one would expect from a DailyKos’r or HuffPo columnist. And that’s not me.  At least, I certainly don’t WANT it to be me.  It has begun to take away time from work, my family, and any hope I might have of quality devotional time.  So not only will I not be blogging myself, I will not be reading or commenting on other blogs.  I need to go cold turkey.  I doubt I’ll ever quit entirely, but I need to get myself back on track, and find my muse, so to speak.  So for the next 40 days, no blogging.

prayerI once had a strong and growing web ministry via my writings.  I was touching peoples’ lives and bringing them the message of Hope to be found in Jesus Christ.  I was repeatedly blessed by emails from people who read something that God had given me, and it had spoken to some struggle or challenge that they had been facing in their own life.   How exciting, and how humbling!

Problem is, I haven’t been doing that for quite some time now.

It is what I have always felt I’ve been called to do.  I may never plant a church, become a missionary, or preach from a pulpit, but I believe God has gifted me to use my writing to touch hearts and souls, to shine the light of Christ in those dark corners we fear, or hope, no one else knows about.  But God knows, and he uses every tool at his disposal to reach into those places and do the work that needs to be done.  I like to think that at times I’ve been an instrument in his hands, helping to heal what was hurt, repair what was broken, perhaps bringing reconciliation where before there was only estrangement.

I want to begin to do that again.

So, since sundown last night, to use the Judaic model, I began my fast.  40 days, committed to the Lord, to reclaim that which has been lost, or at least buried.  To re-energize my Walk, and to rekindle the flames of ministry which I have let die.

My hope, and my prayer, is that as God teaches me, leads me, and guides me through this time, that I can share those lessons and struggles here in such a way that others can be blessed by them as well. 

So, off we go!

In Christ,
~~Steve Berven~~